Sunday, June 7, 2015

Squaw Peak 50...A Lesson Leaned.

For months my training has involved some big climbing and a lot of miles to prepare myself for the Squaw Peak 50 which was going to be used as a training run for Tushar and Wasatch.  Unfortunately two and half weeks out from Squaw I started having some leg/hip issues and they hurt enough I backed completely off my training.  As frustrating as it was to not run, I know rest is important.  Three days out from the race I started questioning if I should race.  I just wasn't healing very fast and whatever I have going on might be worse than I thought. Most times when something hurts I get my chiropractor to adjust me and my massages done and I feel great.  This time was different.  I would get worked on and yes it felt better but not great. Oh what was I supposed to do!? I want to race, my heart wanted to, but was it smart!? Every day was a battle trying to make the decision.  I went out for a little three mile run one day out and everything hurt but my heart kept telling me to race. Was it heart or was it my stubbornness?  I am such a driven person who likes things to go her way and the right way. The day before the race I went in for one last therapeutic massage to see if it would help with the pain. It relived some of it and as the day went on I was actually feeling a bit better. Or was I? Was it my head and heart playing games with me and masking the pain? I didn't know. Went to packet pick up and dinner with a good friend and I still had a battle going on interally if racing this race was a smart idea. I knew it wasn't going to be the pace I wanted. As I talked myself into it I told myself it's ok to have a slow race. I was also very aware it possibly could be my first ever DNF. Going to bed I fell asleep with no problem.  I guess this comes with racing a lot.
Alarms went off at 3:30am and I started getting ready for the race. My leg still had movement restrictions but I told myself to just go out and give it a try. I didn't know if the leg would hold for 1 mile or 50 and there was no way to tell unless I tried.  The morning was perfect running weather.  Arriving at the start we had enough time to drop, drop bags and use the restroom and then we were off.  The first two miles were a slight downhill paved trail and the ping in the leg was there but not too bad. Once starting on the dirt trail it was a pretty constant uphill and there was no pain. I was a little excited and I was moving fairly fast. I felt good. Through the climbs and rolling hills of beautiful single track the cushion of the soft dirt was in my favor. Then we hit the dirt road. The scenery was gorgeous and the sun was starting to peek above the mountains. Mile after mile of dirt road and my leg was becoming agitated but it was bearable on shorter running spurts as long as I gave myself a walk break every so often. Then after hitting the aid station around mile 15 or so the road started a decent. Normally I can cruise on downhills but within a half mile I knew my leg was done! It was screaming at me. I kept pushing with walking occasionally to help with the pain.  Then the pain started getting so bad it was putting a tear in my eye and I kept gritting my teeth. I couldn't hardly bear weight on my leg.   It was then I knew this wasn't going to happen today. I gave my husband a call and said I was done. It wasn't a battle worth fighting and hurting something worse than I already had. The next couple miles to the aid station where I decided I would be done I had every emotion go through my head.  I was angry, I was sad, I was disappointed and I hurt!  My head and heart were playing games on me and kept telling me to just keep going.  I was averaging just under a 15 min mile and I could just walk this thing if that's what my leg would let me do. Coming into that aid station as I was trying to make a huge decision on what to do and when exactly to call it quits my ever cheery friend came in behind me. Seeing her happy face I decided on a whim to head out and do my run/walk to the next aid station and go from there. It was only five miles and what else would I be doing if I quit. Probably sitting there waiting for a ride to the start and sulking over my decision. Good decision or not I trekked to the aid that would be at miles 26.5 another 5 miles away. It was beautiful and I met so many awesome people. The mid to back of packers are amazing! They were all so positive! I have always had respect for the people who are on the course longer than me but I gained a whole new respect when these people would stop in the middle of their run to see if I was ok. I had a very obvious limp that I wasn't able to hide anymore and I couldn't even get my leg to run anymore.  All I could do was walk and enjoy the scenery and the company. I came to peace with my decision to definitely be done at the next aid. I knew there were people out there who would use my quitting a race to make themselves feel better but I had to do this for me and my future of racing. I had to block out the negativity I knew I would feel and remember who is most important and that's me.  It's my kids I need to take care of, my household I need to maintain and my job I needed to be well for. No race is worth hurting yourself over for the people who care for you and those who rely on you.  It's one race and I know I will be back and I am sure I will be back in full force and even with more drive. I am stubborn but I also know how to be smart! Squaw Peak 50 I will be back next year and I will conquer you!!

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain. It's always hard to make that decision and it never gets any easier with time and experience. I've dropped from plenty of races and have had to mentally work through all of the same struggles that come with making that decision. I know how hard it is. But in the end, it's just running and you can't let things like this get into your head. You're a very driven and talented runner, and this won't be the last time you experience this internal struggle or disappointment. I also know you're strong enough to move on stay focused on your goals. You just need to heal up, stay on the trails when you can and keep a big smile on your face while you're enjoying this very special gift you've been given.

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